A little over one year ago, Emma Kate had her Glenn. Little did we know, she would be spending a long stretch in the hospital. I wish I could go back and tell myself that. I think I expected her to be in and out after surgery. I also wish I could tell myself that in the end, she would do great!

Just reflecting today, I am so thankful for Emma Kate. She is such a blessing. I am also so grateful for the wonderful people who have taken care of her: her cardiologists, nurses and especially Dr. Paul Kirshbom, her surgeon. Mostly, I am so thankful to God, who has performed numerous miracles in Emma Kate's life.

Humbled and Grateful

It is seven in the morning, but it feels earlier than that. All the lights are still off in my house. Everyone is still asleep but me. I don't know why I do this sometimes; maybe I am drawn to the rare silence. I've been doing a lot of thinking here in the dark. Thinking about all the people in Haiti and how devastating this earthquake has been on this country; thinking about how fortunate I am and how I take it for granted every day. What I value really has no true value at all.

Brooks and I were up late last night talking. I felt compelled to go to the Compassion International website while we were chatting. When I was growing up, my parents sponsored three children through this ministry; one child for each of their three children. One of the girls we sponsored was from Honduras and her name was Wendy. We sponsored her until she graduated from the program. She was doing so well, that she didn't need assistance anymore.  Last night, as I scrolled through the hundreds of photographs of children who didn't yet have sponsors, I started to tear up. I read about their living conditions, their parents' jobs (if they are employed), and their favorite games to play. What I value doesn't really matter, I thought. They value the basics needed to sustain life. They live in huts with dirt floors and they are content if they have a full belly.  I complain if we don't have "enough" food in the pantry (do I need to go back to the grocery store already?) or if our house feels cold (I'm "freezing" at 68 degrees) or if the cable is out (are you kidding? I can't watch my shows?).  How selfish am I?  My fingers clicked some more keys and  I found out how to sponsor one of these children in need. Today I am going to have Anna Brooke help me choose a child for our family to sponsor. I hope eventually, we can sponsor several children, because so many of them need help.

After I left the Compassion website, I was reading a few blogs and somehow ended up clicking on this blog I'd never read before. It details the account of a family who has adopted a child from Korea. They had already adopted one child before. This couple desperately wants children! In total, I believe they had six pregnancies that ended in miscarriage and two failed adoptions in the past. Wow, I thought, through all of this heartache and discouragement, they have the perseverance to press on. I think if I had six failed pregnancies and two failed adoptions I would give up. I would think that I wasn't meant to have children.

And how often do I take my own children for granted? A lot. With everything we've been through, I think I take them for granted a lot less than I did when I just had Anna Brooke, but it still happens.  Back in November, we found out that we are expecting our third child. I'm going to be honest with you, friends, I was kind of upset about it. I cried about it and even complained a little bit. What was I thinking? There's really no excuse for that kind of behavior when a life is growing inside of you. I should have felt totally blessed. Instead I felt overwhelmed and very scared. I had decided in my head that after Emma Kate, I didn't want to have any more children. I don't think I could bear to see another child endure all that she has. I didn't want to bring another child into this world who would have to suffer.

Then, after reading that blog last night, it just hit me: I AM BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE! Of course, I'm nervous and scared for this baby. But I still love him or her. I never, ever want to take life for granted. How selfish was I to walk out of the bathroom, after taking the pregnancy test, and cry about it? There are people who pray and plead for babies, who have empty wombs, and would do anything to have a child! Would they have tears? Absolutely not! They would jump and sing for joy!! Then there are those who have lost children, whose arms ache to hold their child again. I ache for them. Last night, I learned a big lesson. One that I should have learned long ago.

Thank you, God, for your favor and your blessings. I am so humbled and so grateful.

Tears in My Eyes

Its not often I can find a hopeful story about an adult with HLHS. If you are a heart parent or grandparent you should hop over to the blog Inspiring Hearts, which is written by an adult CHD survivor who interviews other adults with various CHDs. I just read the interview with Jeni a twenty-four year old with HLHS! Not only has she survived into her twenties, she is still living with her own heart, and has not had a transplant.  I was very moved by reading her story.

I often wonder what Emma Kate's future holds, but reading about someone who was diagnosed and had surgery over twenty years ago, when this technology was emerging, gives me so much hope. Emma Kate and all her heart friends have technology on their side. There is much more research now than there was twenty years ago on these rare heart defects.

Today I have so much hope. Thank you, Jeni.

One Year Ago...

I've been going through all my old photos and I came across this one that I thought was adorable! I cannot believe it has been a whole year since this was taken! You've come so far, baby girl!

Favorites

I thought it would be fun to share some things about my growing little Emma Kate. She is developing into such a sweet toddler and I just love this age! Sometimes I forget that muffin is fourteen months old because she's still such a tiny thing. But she is getting to be a big girl, and I love it.

Emma Kate is a very opinionated little girl and she will let you know exactly what she wants. She communicates very well, even though she doesn't have a very large vocabulary, but it is growing. Here are some of the words she knows how to say:

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  Mama
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  Dada (although she calls him Mama most of the time!)
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  Book (for her sister, Anna Brooke)
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  bubble
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  bye-bye
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  baby
• 
  
  yum
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  joo (juice)
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  ba-pap (backpack--thank you, Dora)
• 
  
  ow (out)
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  go
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  poo-poo
• 
  
  uuh-oh (she loves to say this whenever she drops something)
• 
  
  chee (cheese)

She can also sign for "all done" and "more." Every time I ask her a yes or no question, she shakes her head no or nods yes in response. Sometimes I don't expect for her to answer me, but I think she understands more than I realize.

And speaking of "chee," here are some of EK's favorite foods:

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  cheese
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  yogurt
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  oatmeal
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  waffles
• 
  
  cheese eggs
• 
  
  blueberries
• 
  
  apples
• 
  
  cheerios
• 
  
  graham crackers
• 
  
  goldfish
• 
  
  chicken
• 
  
  spaghetti

She can be really picky, and at times I worry that she's not getting enough to eat. Sometimes I kind of get desperate when she doesn't eat much--she also loves (ACK!!) chocolate chip cookies, donuts, and french fries, all of which I hate that she has already tried. Yes. I'm doing what I can to pack on the pounds.

Emma Kate always seems to have plenty of energy, though. She loves being outside, especially if I am pushing her in a swing or on a trike. She also loves the merry-go-round and slide. She enjoys rides in her stroller, but is aching to get out and crawl around (no, she's not walking yet) after only a few minutes. But she can crawl like it is nobody's business. She is really fast! Seriously, it is hard to keep that kid contained. While we were visiting my parents recently, she climbed up and down their staircase nearly every day. She was really good at crawling up and down the steps. She's also fearless (which kind of makes me nervous) but I love that quality about her.

Another thing I love is that she is totally obsessed with her big sister. She does anything and everything to get that girl's attention. It melts my heart when they give each other kisses before bedtime, or when AB asks if she can hold Emma Kate and "carry her like a baby" (even though that consists of her trying to pick her up by the neck). They both share a love for Blue's Clues (Emma Kate points to the TV and says "Boo" when she sees Blue) and Backyardigans (she always recognizes Pablo or "Pa-bo" as she calls him), but I am really excited to see how they will play together when they are a little bit older. Right now, EK's favorite toys are her baby dolls with which she loves to kiss and rock, blocks to throw right back into their container, and books.

I am so thankful that God created this little blessing and let me be her Mommy. It is such a joy to watch her grow into the little person she is becoming! We are so grateful for you, Emma Kate!

This would be the part where Emma Kate waves bye-bye and then blows you a kiss!

Fourteen Months!

My big girl!

When I Became a Heart Mother

I found this poem on a blog yesterday and I was so touched. It is probably the most beautiful poem I have read in a long time. I do not know the author, but reading this, I know that we both have felt the same way about our children, and I feel close to her and most every other heart mother out there.

One day my world came crashing down, I'll never be the same.
They told me that my child was sick... I thought, am I to blame?
I don't think I can handle this... I'm really not that strong.
It seemed my heart was breaking... As, I'd loved her for so long.
I will not give up on this child... despite your best "advice".
I will give my child a chance... No matter what the price.

And I will learn all that I need... to help my child to thrive.
I'll even use that feeding tube... My child will survive!
Will he require therapy? What if he can't gain weight?
Alright God I can do this... I will not curse our fate.
The feeding pump beeps, (at 3:00 a.m.) It serves as my reminder...
How many parents would welcome that sound? Tomorrow Lord, I will be kinder.
Another angel earns their wings... and I run to my sleeping child's bed...
I watch her then, for quite awhile... (Bend down and kiss her head)
Then I cry for the parents whose lives have been broken, And I look to God wondering why?
Oh Lord, I just can't know your ways... No matter how I try.
And yet, I trust You to hold her life, (and guide us through each day)
My mind says savor each moment she's here... But my heart whispers,"Please let her stay".

From... pacing the surgical waiting room... to sitting by her hospital bed...
From... wishing for a good night's sleep... to learning every med...
From... wondering will she be alright? to watching her reach out her hands.
With every smile, my heart just melts.. (despite life's harsh demands)
For all who see that faded line... I look to them and smile...
You see, my child is loved so much... I would face any trial.
That same scar I trace with my finger... (It's the door to her beautiful heart)
I never guessed how much I'd love her... (Just as YOU loved her right from the start)

A heart mom is always a heart mom... (Now wise beyond her years)
And for those who have angels in heaven... Our hearts share in all of your tears.
Everyday I will strive to remember... You chose me for her (and no other)
And I will embrace that beautiful day... When I became a "heart mother".

~Stephanie Husted