Today I went to Babies 'R Us to look for an inflatable toddler bed for when we travel. Since Anna Brooke has smoothly transitioned into a "big girl bed" we will not be bringing her Pack 'N Play with us when we visit the grandparents. Not to mention she is probably too big for it and once Emma Kate is born, she will occupy the Pack 'N Play. So I am trying to find a good alternative. They didn't have anything close to what I was looking for, but it was so much fun wandering (actually chasing after Anna Brooke) through the aisles of baby stuff. I don't think I had been in Babies 'R Us in forever! I found some really sweet baby stuff that I would love to get when the time gets closer for Emma Kate to arrive. And I realized when I was looking at all the pinks and yellows and pretty ribbons and soft blankets that I am so glad we are having another girl! I was definitely glad before, but for some reason, I just got really excited about it.
Actually, it has been kind of hard for me the past couple of days. I keep picturing this birth as being harder emotionally for me since we will have so much going on right after EK is born. No longer do I have the peace of mind I had before she was diagnosed with HLHS. I will have to surrender my precious baby to doctors that will perform some very detailed surgery on her. Not to mention she will be in the NICU for probably a month after she's born. It is just so scary and I hurt for her. I know that this surgery is the only way she will survive, but I still hurt that she has to go through it in the first place. Yesterday Brooks was reading a blog about a little boy with this same heart condition and it was describing how he was going back for his third and final surgery. I just started crying and asking myself, "Why does she have to go through this? I don't want her to!" Emma Kate is moving around in my womb so much now! It is incredible! I love knowing that she is doing okay. I wish I could keep her in me forever so that she doesn't have to face all that she will after she's born.
I know I can't blame myself for anything, but I've been questioning a lot of my actions in the beginning of this pregnancy. I know her heart was forming by week 8 and I often wonder, (mostly in the back of my mind, I don't usually voice it): is the reason EK has HLHS because I didn't do something right? Did I not eat the right foods? Did I forget to take my prenatal vitamins one day? What happened? Could I have prevented it? I don't usually stay for very long in that place because I know there is nothing I can do now except pray for her and her doctors and know that God is in control!
Thanks for your continued prayers. :)
Praying for y'all, my friend! I can't imagine what y'all are going through, but I know God will give you the peace and strength y'all need.
ReplyDeleteAnd yay for shopping for baby girls! TOO fun. Y'all have a great night!
Love, Jenna
It is so hard being the mama. I hurt for *you!* I understand the feeling of wanting to keep your babe in you and safe forever. It is hard being the mama, because you are the only one that could have that feeling of "did I do something to cause this." I hear it a lot from mom's of my youngest students. The answer is always, and for you too, no. You are the perfect mother to Emma Kate and always have been. It is different the second time. I remember having so much guilt with erick because I "forgot" about my pregnancy so often. I remember worrying that I didn't love him enough, or think about him enough, because I wasn't journaling and talking to him nearly as much as I did Lucas. I'm sure I didn't take my vitamins regularly, etc. It is just part of doing it the second time. Emma Kate is Emma Kate, and you were her chosen, and blessed mommy. All my love, Melia (Lindsay's sister)
ReplyDeleteThis IS difficult. It is awful and unfair and terribly painful to watch as a mother. BUT, without these surgeries, I would not have my son. As difficult as this is, without these "bumps", these surgeries, I would not have my quirky, chatty, music-loving, amazing little boy. I'm dreading the next few days, but if it means I have many, many more with my son, then it is so worth it.
ReplyDelete(I'm pretty sure I'm the mom you were talking about in the post. :-))
You're in a really rough place right now - I remember it all too well. You want to keep them in you because they're safe. You wonder why you, why her. One huge thing to really, deep-down accept when you can: you DID NOT do anything to cause EK's HLHS. I worked with teen moms, and man - they drink, smoke, smoke weed, more - and their kids? Healthy. This is a FLUKE or some random genetic thing they're still figuring out. You did NOTHING to cause this.
You DO have the ability to make her life here as wonderful as possible. That's been my goal - to make each of Sammy's days happy and full of love and wonder. It will be hard, and the beginning is tough, but it's so completely worth every rough moment. The majority of the time these kids are just normal kids. It's the surgeries that are tough. I promise you - the good outweighs the bad.
Bethany, I don't know you (I am a friend of Lindsay's) but you and your family have been in my prayers. I actually had a dream about Emma Kate the other night!! You are not to blame, Bethany. *You* were chosen to be Emma Kate's mom because you have the faith and strength to love and nurture through her journey. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, but Emma Kate couldn't ask for a better mama or family!!
ReplyDeleteMy heart is with you,
Amy