Humbled and Grateful

It is seven in the morning, but it feels earlier than that. All the lights are still off in my house. Everyone is still asleep but me. I don't know why I do this sometimes; maybe I am drawn to the rare silence. I've been doing a lot of thinking here in the dark. Thinking about all the people in Haiti and how devastating this earthquake has been on this country; thinking about how fortunate I am and how I take it for granted every day. What I value really has no true value at all.

Brooks and I were up late last night talking. I felt compelled to go to the Compassion International website while we were chatting. When I was growing up, my parents sponsored three children through this ministry; one child for each of their three children. One of the girls we sponsored was from Honduras and her name was Wendy. We sponsored her until she graduated from the program. She was doing so well, that she didn't need assistance anymore.  Last night, as I scrolled through the hundreds of photographs of children who didn't yet have sponsors, I started to tear up. I read about their living conditions, their parents' jobs (if they are employed), and their favorite games to play. What I value doesn't really matter, I thought. They value the basics needed to sustain life. They live in huts with dirt floors and they are content if they have a full belly.  I complain if we don't have "enough" food in the pantry (do I need to go back to the grocery store already?) or if our house feels cold (I'm "freezing" at 68 degrees) or if the cable is out (are you kidding? I can't watch my shows?).  How selfish am I?  My fingers clicked some more keys and  I found out how to sponsor one of these children in need. Today I am going to have Anna Brooke help me choose a child for our family to sponsor. I hope eventually, we can sponsor several children, because so many of them need help.

After I left the Compassion website, I was reading a few blogs and somehow ended up clicking on this blog I'd never read before. It details the account of a family who has adopted a child from Korea. They had already adopted one child before. This couple desperately wants children! In total, I believe they had six pregnancies that ended in miscarriage and two failed adoptions in the past. Wow, I thought, through all of this heartache and discouragement, they have the perseverance to press on. I think if I had six failed pregnancies and two failed adoptions I would give up. I would think that I wasn't meant to have children.

And how often do I take my own children for granted? A lot. With everything we've been through, I think I take them for granted a lot less than I did when I just had Anna Brooke, but it still happens.  Back in November, we found out that we are expecting our third child. I'm going to be honest with you, friends, I was kind of upset about it. I cried about it and even complained a little bit. What was I thinking? There's really no excuse for that kind of behavior when a life is growing inside of you. I should have felt totally blessed. Instead I felt overwhelmed and very scared. I had decided in my head that after Emma Kate, I didn't want to have any more children. I don't think I could bear to see another child endure all that she has. I didn't want to bring another child into this world who would have to suffer.

Then, after reading that blog last night, it just hit me: I AM BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE! Of course, I'm nervous and scared for this baby. But I still love him or her. I never, ever want to take life for granted. How selfish was I to walk out of the bathroom, after taking the pregnancy test, and cry about it? There are people who pray and plead for babies, who have empty wombs, and would do anything to have a child! Would they have tears? Absolutely not! They would jump and sing for joy!! Then there are those who have lost children, whose arms ache to hold their child again. I ache for them. Last night, I learned a big lesson. One that I should have learned long ago.

Thank you, God, for your favor and your blessings. I am so humbled and so grateful.